IS THIS A JOKE ??
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
A man dies and find himself in Hell. He's wallowing in despair when the Devil comes along and says, 'Cheer up. It's not so bad. We have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?' ' Sure,' replies the man. ' I love to drink.' 'Well you're gonna love Mondays,' says the Devil. 'On Mondays all we do is drink beer, whisky, wine, as much as you want. Say you a smoker?' 'You better believe it! says the man. 'Then you're gonna love Tuesdays,' replies the Devil. ' we get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. I bet you like to gamble, don't you?' ' Why yes,' replies the man. 'Wednesday you can gamble all you want,' says the Devil. ' Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever you like. Hey you into drugs?' 'I love drugs!' says the man. 'Well, Thursday is drug day,' says the Devil. 'You can do all the drugs you want!' 'Wow!' says the man. ' I never realised Hell was such a cool place.' The Devil says, 'I bet you're gay too, aren't you?' 'No,' he replies. 'Ouch,' replies The Devil. 'You're gonna hate Fridays.'
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
A guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in excrement up to their necks.
The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with excrement up to their noses.
Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room.
People are standing with excrement up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating Danish pastries.
The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K. guys, coffee break's over.
Everyone back on your heads!"
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in excrement up to their necks.
The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with excrement up to their noses.
Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room.
People are standing with excrement up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating Danish pastries.
The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K. guys, coffee break's over.
Everyone back on your heads!"
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
A man and woman are lying in bed after a disappointing bout of sex. 'You've got a very small organ,' says the woman. The man replies, 'Well I didn't know I'd be playing in the Albert Hall.'
My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Chap in a pub, had a few and a man comes up to him and says, "You look like a betting man - I bet you one thousand pounds that you can't do three things: drink 10 pints of best beer, wrestle a gorilla and make love to an eskimo." The chap likes the sound of one thousand pounds so agrees to the bet.
The ten pints are lined up on the bar and he downs them without a flicker. They adjourn to the local zoo and the chap climbs into the gorilla's cage. The fur begins to fly, the cage rocks on its foundations, punches, yells and screams until the chap finally emerges battered and bruised.
He draws breath and says, "Right, now where's this eskimo I have to wrestle ??".
The ten pints are lined up on the bar and he downs them without a flicker. They adjourn to the local zoo and the chap climbs into the gorilla's cage. The fur begins to fly, the cage rocks on its foundations, punches, yells and screams until the chap finally emerges battered and bruised.
He draws breath and says, "Right, now where's this eskimo I have to wrestle ??".
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Placido wrote:Chap in a pub, had a few and a man comes up to him and says, "You look like a betting man - I bet you one thousand pounds that you can't do three things: drink 10 pints of best beer, wrestle a gorilla and make love to an eskimo." The chap likes the sound of one thousand pounds so agrees to the bet.
The ten pints are lined up on the bar and he downs them without a flicker. They adjourn to the local zoo and the chap climbs into the gorilla's cage. The fur begins to fly, the cage rocks on its foundations, punches, yells and screams until the chap finally emerges battered and bruised.
He draws breath and says, "Right, now where's this eskimo I have to wrestle ??".
It is now obvious that when my Joke Book had went missing it must have been photocopied before being returned.
Last edited by peregrine on Mon Apr 27, 2015 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Jacksparrow
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Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Good one Placi 
Peregrine never had a joke in his book as good as that.(or so I was told)
Peregrine never had a joke in his book as good as that.(or so I was told)
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Jacksparrow
- Moderator
- Posts: 6524
- Joined: Fri May 30, 2014 9:52 pm
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world, but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky (cool box) to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky (cool box) to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
GOLFER AT THE DENTIST
Eric and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
Eric said to the dentist, ' I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two mates out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, just pull the tooth and be done with it.
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at Celtic Manor and it's 9:45 already. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'
So the dentist asks him, 'which tooth is it sir?
Eric turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him”
Eric and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
Eric said to the dentist, ' I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two mates out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, just pull the tooth and be done with it.
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at Celtic Manor and it's 9:45 already. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'
So the dentist asks him, 'which tooth is it sir?
Eric turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him”
I like reading
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
I like reading