Garden Wildlife UK

Welcome to The Club. That's as bad as it gets !!


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A man walks into a Macdonalds and orders fries and salad. The girl behind the counter says, "Certainly, sir. Would you like fries and salad with that ??"

Jeez - I'm worn out now

Man and woman in bed together. She hears a car draw up, leaps out of bed, wipes the steam from the window and cries, "It's my husband, come home early !! Quick, hide in the wardrobe." He grabs his clothes and dives into the wardrobe. A little voice says, "Coo, it's dark in here, innit ?!?!" The man grabs for the voice and discovers he is sharing the wardrobe with a little boy who turns out to be the son of the house.
"Sssssshhhhhhh", he aspirates, "You won't tell your dad, will you ??". The lad says, "It'll cost you a tenner". A £10 note is duly handed over in the dark.

Later, the family is sitting around the table eating, and the father spots the £10 sticking out of his son's pocket. "You've been stealing again, haven't you, Billy ?!?!?" he accuses. The boy denies it but dad won't believe him. "You must go to confession right now", scolds the disbelieving father and off goes the boy.

He gets to the church, goes into the confessional and draws the curtain. "Coo, it's dark in here, innit ?!?!" he says. The priest answers, "Gaaawwwd, not you again !!!"

I did some DIY with my step-ladder the other night.

I never really got along with my real ladder

Aww

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant

If it floats: boy ant

Aww poor ickle galant poor jug

A cannibal visited the witch doctor with a serious skin rash.
The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on.
He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff what is it" he said
"My best friend died . I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off" he replied.
" What do you call it?" Said the cannibal.
" Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor.

Groan .....................