Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2014 7:55 pm
Peregrine will definitely be nicking that oneKev wrote:I joined all my watches together to make a belt.
It was a waist of time
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IS THIS A JOKE ??
Page 7 of 106
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2014 5:46 pm
Nicking it!!!!! It was mine anyway.Jacksparrow wrote:Peregrine will definitely be nicking that oneKev wrote:I joined all my watches together to make a belt.
It was a waist of time
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 10:25 pm
Betcha heard this .......
In the '70s Leonid Brezhnev, the USSR Prez, was to visit Poland and, like all leaders, had to take a gift for the customary ceremonial exchange of. He came up with the idea of a painting of "Lenin's Visit To Poland" and charged The National Portrait Painter with the task.
The National Portrait Painter hurried away to do the research and produce said work of art. Time went by, the date of the visit drew closer but nothing was heard from TNPP. Brezhnev issued the order that said artist attend him at once with the completed picture and a very good reason as to why it had been so delayed.
TNPP arrived, frightened and empty-handed - Brezhnev frowned. (A Brezhnev frown was a very very big deal in 1970s Russia.) "Where is the official gift, "Lenin In Poland" he enquired ? "Tovarich Comrade Prez", answered TNPP in a quavering voice. "My extensive and exhaustive researches have found no trace of any such thing as a visit to Poland by Comrade Lenin, sir."
Brezhnev's black brows descended even more, TNPP gulped. "I do not care whether Comrade Lenin ever visited Poland, you recidivist dog", thundered Prez. "I want a painting illustrating Lenin's visit to Poland - and I want it NOW or you will very shortly find yourself up the gulag !!"
The artist returned in short order and unveiled his commission to a still miffed Brezhnev. The Glorious Leader inspected a scene of two people in bed. "Who's that ?", he enquired, pointing at the woman. "That's Lenin's wife", explained TNPP. "And who's that", TGL indicated the man. "That's Trotsky."
"Where's Lenin ?". "Lenin's in Poland."
In the '70s Leonid Brezhnev, the USSR Prez, was to visit Poland and, like all leaders, had to take a gift for the customary ceremonial exchange of. He came up with the idea of a painting of "Lenin's Visit To Poland" and charged The National Portrait Painter with the task.
The National Portrait Painter hurried away to do the research and produce said work of art. Time went by, the date of the visit drew closer but nothing was heard from TNPP. Brezhnev issued the order that said artist attend him at once with the completed picture and a very good reason as to why it had been so delayed.
TNPP arrived, frightened and empty-handed - Brezhnev frowned. (A Brezhnev frown was a very very big deal in 1970s Russia.) "Where is the official gift, "Lenin In Poland" he enquired ? "Tovarich Comrade Prez", answered TNPP in a quavering voice. "My extensive and exhaustive researches have found no trace of any such thing as a visit to Poland by Comrade Lenin, sir."
Brezhnev's black brows descended even more, TNPP gulped. "I do not care whether Comrade Lenin ever visited Poland, you recidivist dog", thundered Prez. "I want a painting illustrating Lenin's visit to Poland - and I want it NOW or you will very shortly find yourself up the gulag !!"
The artist returned in short order and unveiled his commission to a still miffed Brezhnev. The Glorious Leader inspected a scene of two people in bed. "Who's that ?", he enquired, pointing at the woman. "That's Lenin's wife", explained TNPP. "And who's that", TGL indicated the man. "That's Trotsky."
"Where's Lenin ?". "Lenin's in Poland."
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2014 9:36 am
A Polish soldier is asked who he'd shoot first if he came across a Russian soldier and a German soldier. 'The Russian soldier.' he replied. 'Business before pleasure.'
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2014 10:34 am
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's just something I could really see myself doing.
It's just something I could really see myself doing.
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2014 8:33 pm
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2014 8:56 pm
T hat's a poor reflection on your ambitions Kev.Kev wrote:I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's just something I could really see myself doing.
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2014 9:07 pm
Not if he cleans them really well, Jacksparrow Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2014 11:18 pm
Who mentioned clean windows ?!?!?!
It's New Year's Eve and the village pub, The Festive Sturk, is jumping. Everyone's having a great time when suddenly a police car draws into the crowded car park.
A very happy but unsteady man leaves and heads for the nearest car. Singing loudly, he tries his car keys in the door then moves on to the next car and the next and so on until finally the key fits - he has found his own car. He falls into the driving seat, starts the engine and drives off at full speed. The police car chases and stops him 100 yards down the lane.
"Good evening, sir." "Happy Noo Zhear, offisher" cries the driver happily. "Can I see your driving licence and particulars, please sir?" asks the non-too pleased pc. "Shertainly, shertainly" replies the man and fumbles slowly through his pockets. Eventually he locates said documentation and hands them over. The p.c. examines them and finds them to be quite in order.
"What's your occupation, sir?" enquires The Law. "I'm a Professional Decoy" says the man.
It's New Year's Eve and the village pub, The Festive Sturk, is jumping. Everyone's having a great time when suddenly a police car draws into the crowded car park.
A very happy but unsteady man leaves and heads for the nearest car. Singing loudly, he tries his car keys in the door then moves on to the next car and the next and so on until finally the key fits - he has found his own car. He falls into the driving seat, starts the engine and drives off at full speed. The police car chases and stops him 100 yards down the lane.
"Good evening, sir." "Happy Noo Zhear, offisher" cries the driver happily. "Can I see your driving licence and particulars, please sir?" asks the non-too pleased pc. "Shertainly, shertainly" replies the man and fumbles slowly through his pockets. Eventually he locates said documentation and hands them over. The p.c. examines them and finds them to be quite in order.
"What's your occupation, sir?" enquires The Law. "I'm a Professional Decoy" says the man.
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Posted: Tue Nov 11, 2014 2:20 pm
No one, Placi - it's mirrors 