Garden Wildlife UK

My mate was telling me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.

I said 'didja redo it?'

I phoned a helpline the other day & all I got was a series of clicks.

Found out later that my call was recorded for training porpoises

Man to neighbour: 'Can I borrow your lawnmower?' Neighbour: 'No, she's not home yet.'

How do you stop moles digging in your garden? Hide their shovels.

I’m going to university in September to study cuppa soup.

It’s a bachelors degree

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says dam

When did Julius Caesar die?: A few days before his funeral.'

I have just applied for a job at Citroen. They wanted 2 CV’s


Apparently you can't use BEEF_STEW as a password. It's not stroganoff

The only reason I'd take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again

How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, when the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?

Nice one.

The Magnificent Seven cast were booked to do an advert for aftershave in Liverpool.

Only six turned up.... Yul never wore cologne