Why is Dyslexia so hard to spell? 
Dyslexics have more fnu! IS THIS A JOKE ??
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Jacksparrow
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Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
With 2nd lockdown looming, I saw a man with 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 7 sombreros, I think Hispanic buying...
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
First man; 'I've got a terrible fat belly.' Second man: 'Have you tried to diet?' First man: 'Yes, but whatever colour I use it still looks fat. What time is it when an elephants sits on your fence? Time to get anew fence! -
Jacksparrow
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Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you - but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travel faster than sound some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up - we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault - I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application where it says "In case of emergency, notify........." I answered - "a doctor".
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
I had heard #13 before but not the others.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you - but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travel faster than sound some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up - we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault - I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application where it says "In case of emergency, notify........." I answered - "a doctor".
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
I had heard #13 before but not the others.
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for tea.
Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the mushy peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar. Suddenly there is a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer. "Who is it?", asks everyone in unison,
"It's Fatima wi t'bread."
Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the mushy peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar. Suddenly there is a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer. "Who is it?", asks everyone in unison,
"It's Fatima wi t'bread."
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
You know your getting old when....
the names in your little black book are mainly Doctors
when the candles cost more than the cake
the names in your little black book are mainly Doctors when the candles cost more than the cake Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
Doctor to patient; ' I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're not a hypochondriac.' -
Jacksparrow
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Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.
"Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"
The man groans, but remains seated. The Usher becoming impatient with the man, "sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"
Again the man just groans, which infuriates the Usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police.
Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "alright buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam" the man moans.
"And where ya from Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "the balcony".
"Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"
The man groans, but remains seated. The Usher becoming impatient with the man, "sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"
Again the man just groans, which infuriates the Usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police.
Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "alright buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam" the man moans.
"And where ya from Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "the balcony".
Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
:Girl to boyfriend, 'Do you think I'm vain?'Boyfriend, ' No. Why do you ask?'
Girl, ' Because girls as good-looking as me usually are.'
Your teeth are like stars - they come out at night.Re: IS THIS A JOKE ??
I can’t believe someone left a box of frozen fish in the car park ....... oh well Findus Kippers