Garden Wildlife UK

There was this bloke who was a bit lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet, none of your cats or dogs. The pet shop owner said he had a very unusual pet, it was a centipede that came complete with a cute, little box to use as his house and, not only that, it would talk to you, if it liked you.

He decided the best way to welcome his pet centipede into his life would be to take him to the local watering hole for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, ‘Would you like to go to the pub with me to have a beer?’

There was no answer from his new pet. He went for a shower and get ready to go out and when he was done he asked the centipede again, ‘How about going to the pub and having a drink with me?’

Again, there was no answer from his new pet centipede, so he waited a few minutes more, stewing about the situation. He asked one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house, tapping on the door and shouting, ‘Hey in there! Would you like to go to pub and have a drink with me?'

This time, a little voice came out of the box: ‘I heard you the first time! I’m putting my flippin shoes on!’

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist say the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Yesterday I couldn't spell engineer - today I are one.

A couple go on holiday to Benidorm, wander into a bar de vinos ) and get chatting with el propietario. They comment on all the bulls' heads hanging on the walls of said bar de vinos and ask el prop whether he was maybe once un torero. El prop replies, "Si, I was el torero bravo - I keel dis bull in Madreed, dis wan in Barthelona, dis wan in Villacayo de Merindad de Castilla la Vieja an' dis wan in Ea.
The couple are fascinated but ask why el prop did not explain the story of the huge head right over there in the corner.
El prop looks sad. "We do not speek of dat bull for dat bull he keel my brodder." The couple are very concerned and ask whether el prop's brodder (sorry, brother) was also un torero. "Ah no", explains el prop, "one night dat bull fell on my brodder's head an' keel heem dead."

Ah well Placi, don't give up your day job.

Placi

What sleeps at the bottom of the sea?




Jack the Kipper





Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He finally decided to stick it out for another year!

A dog with three legs walks into a Wild West bar and says, 'I'm looking for to man who shot my paw.'

Not a joke as such (well, it is a bit, in a way, sort of ...):

Ancient Greek logical joke (possibly Aristotle ) -

All dogs have four legs
This animal has four legs
Therefore this animal is a dog
(miaow)

This slant on the same convolution is called the politicians' syllogism -

Something must be done to improve things
We are doing something
Therefore things are improving

Tis `Arry Stotle geyser, they say he was a bit if a thinker. I think he thought too long