Garden Wildlife UK

'Twas the night before Christmas and a foul-tempered Santa was loading his sleigh - 4 of his elves were off sick and production was way behind, 3 of the reindeer had sneaked off to The Antler & Snowflake and were incapable of flying in a straight line, Mrs. Santa had just informed him that her mother was coming for Christmas dinner and suddenly the doorbell rang.

Santa flung open the door and yelled, "What the blurk do you want ?!?!?". A small but quite composed angel smiled at him and, with a flourish, produced a large Christmas tree.
"Good evening, Santa. Isn't it the most beautiful evening you ever saw ?? I've brought you a festive Christmas tree to cheer your celebrations. Where would you like me to put it ??"

And thus began the tradition of a small fairy on top of the Christmas tree .

Jacksparrow wrote:Has peregrine posted his joke book on line?

First its nicked but worst of all before being returned someone puts it ON LINE,. You Tube has a lot to answer for. I get no ROYALTIES.

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE...
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and asks for whisky for them both. They both drink the Scotch and ask for another, and another, and another. The giraffe passes out on the floor and the man starts to leave.
The barman says, "Hey, you're not going to leave that lying there are you ??".
The man replies, "It's a giraffe not a lion" and leaves.

Harry is fiddling under the bonnet of his car. A tramp walks by, stops and looks at him. 'Piston broke,' explains Harry. 'Aye,' says the tramp. 'So am I.'


Harry died with his boots on - sadly one was on the accelerator at the time.

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese go for a job on a building site. The Foreman hires them all and tells the Italian he'll be in charge of sweeping up, the Scotsman that he'll be in charge of digging holes and the Chinese that he'll be in charge of Supplies.
The first two tell the Chinese to go and get a brush and a spade and wait for his return. Two hours later the Foreman comes around to check on the progress of his new staff - nothing has been done.
He yells at them and they explain that the Chinese hasn't returned yet with the tools so the Foreman goes off to hunt for him. He searches and searches and finally approaches a large pile of sand. The Chinese jumps out from behind it and yells, "SUPPLIES !!!!!!!".

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of the universe that
buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to
fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is,
but asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast
on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….

Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and
he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over
from the Curia in Rome . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as
everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite
outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling
a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. "

"Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think Murphy
may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

Well, I waded through all that and my reward was that I had to chuckle .