Garden Wildlife UK

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

Not a joke at all I just gasped with admiration at this gem:

Science prog on't radio this affie and a question was: "Dark matter. Does it?".

Oh, what a corker !!!!!!!

An old womand goes to a Leisure Centre and asks if she can join an aerobics class. 'I'm not sure if that's a good idea.' says the Instructor. ' How flexible are you?' 'Oh, very,' replies the woman. 'But I can't make Tuesdays.'

A man walks into a doctor's surgery right at the end of a busy day. The receptionist is very reluctant to let him in - she just wants to put out the lights, lock up and go home but the doctor agrees to see him.
"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a moth !!" cries the man. "You don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist" says the doctor.
"I know, I know" replies the man.
"So why did you come in here ?" asks the doctor.
"Well the door was open and the lights were on."

Placido wrote:A man walks into a doctor's surgery right at the end of a busy day. The receptionist is very reluctant to let him in - she just wants to put out the lights, lock up and go home but the doctor agrees to see him.
"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a moth !!" cries the man. "You don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist" says the doctor.
"I know, I know" replies the man.
"So why did you come in here ?" asks the doctor.
"Well the door was open and the lights were on."

Peregrine, Peregrine, Peregrine Placido's nicked your book again

I love that one

Man walks into a bar carrying a chequered flag.
Barman says, "Oi, you'd better not start anything !!"