Garden Wildlife UK

Small country village, parish church in deeeeep disrepair, vicar at his wits end for funds: "Oh dear, oh dear, what shall we do ?!?!? The steeple has taken another lurch to starboard".

Mrs. Thrimbling, the vicar's long-serving presbytery cleaner, whilst applying a second coat to the vestry carpet, hears said dominie's cries of woe and determines to help save the day.
"Vicar", she says, "I shall help save the day, thus: I shall sell my charms on the village streets when night falls." "OK" replies himself, desperate for financial assistance and not fussy whence it emanates.

So it came to pass that Mrs. Thrimbling was as good as her word, and the very next morning handed the waiting cleric a bag containing twenty-five pounds and ten pence.
Vic was thrilled but had to ask where the ten pence came from. "Everybody" came the reply.

Just a thought


Is there another word for a synonym?

At 6ft6, Bill was a big ex Royal Marine. He was sitting with the wife outside Costas having a coffee, the Salvation Army Band were playing about 20 yards away in the town square. Suddenly, an old female member of the band collapsed. Bills wife said" Quick Bill, do something, you must have learned what to do in this situation in the Services!!". Like a flash Bill jumped up and went into action. Later, after the ambulance had taken the old lady away, the band leader came up to Bill and said" That was fantastic, tell me , had you ever played the triangle before??"

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

A man is in a restaurant where a pianist is playing in a corner. 'Do you play things on request?' calls the man to the pianist. 'Oh yes, sir' says the pianist. 'Great,' says the man. 'Play dominoes.'

The lady who invented inflatable footwear in Holland has just popped her clogs.

A man turns up at a fancy dress party completely naked apart from a bit of coloured ribbon tied round one of his testicles. 'What have you come as?' asks the host. 'I'm it,' says the man. 'I'm the fancy dress ball.'

"Dr. No ??"

"Yes"

"No, sorry."

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.

Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.


Fnally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?