Garden Wildlife UK

OMG there has been a major terrorist attack in Lille France. A huge bomb has exploded at a cheese factory
Initial video footage shows that there is absolutely nothing left but de Brie

Oh, gaaawwwd.

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In Honour of Stupid People . . ...
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

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On Sainsbury's peanuts --
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

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On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

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On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."
(.....and you thought????...)

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On a Pifco hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

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On a bag of Doritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

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On a bar of Dial soap --
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

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On some Swanson frozen dinners --
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

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On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

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On Nytol Sleep Aid --
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(....I'm taking this because???.....)

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On most brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

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On a Japanese food processor --
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

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On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

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On a child's Superman costume --
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

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On a Swedish Chainsaw --
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Paddy and Mick are fond of fishing. They decide to hire a boat, head out into the miggle of Lough Corrib and do a spot.
Well, they break records !! A day of nothing but reeling in fish after fish after fish. Such fun was never had before in The Emerald Isle. So much was the fun that they decide to do it all over again tomorrow:
"Paddy, let's do it all over again tomorrow, bedad", cries Mick joyfully. "We will, we will, begorrah", responds an equally flushed Paddy, "an' we'll come back to the very same spot, so we will, bejazus." "But how will we know where is is the very centre of grand ould Lough Corrib again ??" pled Mick, still joyful. "I have it !! Eureka !! We'll put a mark, YES, that's it, we'll put a mark on the boat " shouted the still flushed Paddy.
"Now Paddy, yer gettin' quoite beyond yirself, boyo", cautioned the slightly less animated Mick. "But why, oh why would that be ??" queried the still fevered Paddy. "Sure an' be banjaxed, we moight not get the same boat tomorrow", rejoined Mick.

A flabby middle-aged woman has a near-death experience on the operating table. However, she hears the voice of God telling her not to worry as he will give her another 30 years of life. When she recovers the woman decides to make most of the time left to her. She has extensive plastic surgery and take on a long exercise programme to loose weight and get back into shape. After she's transformed herself she takes up tennis but is killed by a bolt of lightening during her first game. Standing before God the woman complains. 'So what was all that about giving me another 30 years?' God looks at her twice. puts on his glasses, and says' ' Oh, sorry. I didn't recognise you.'

Boom Boom

A dead English lord abd his dead butler run into each other in hell.'My lord,' said the butler. 'What are you doing here?' The lord sighs, ' I'm here because I lied, cheated and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?' The butler replies. ' For fathering your playboy son.'

An engineer dies and goes to the pearly gates.
St Peter checks his file “Ah …you’re an engineer; you’re in the wrong place”.

So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in.
Pretty soon the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell and designing and building improvements.

After a while they have air con, flushing toilets and escalators and the engineer is quite a popular bloke.

One day God called Satan on the phone and says with a sneer "How’s things going down in Hell?”
Satan replies “Mate things are going great. We’ve got air con flushing toilets and escalators there is no telling what this engineer will come up with next.”

God replies “WHAT??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake he should never have gone down there send him up here.”
Satan says “No way. I like having an engineer on staff. He stays.”

God says “Send him back up or I’ll sue”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers “Yeah, right and just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”