Garden Wildlife UK

“Doctor, doctor! My family thinks I’m mad!”
“Why is that?”
“I like sausages.”
“There’s nothing strange about that. I like sausages too.”
“Really? You must come and see my collection – I’ve got thousands!”

Waaaay back in Grannie Placi's day every Spit 'n' Sawdust pub had an old upright, out of tune piano in a dusty corner and anyone who fancied themselves as a budding Liberace would wander over to said dusty corner when the Euterpean moment took them and have a swift tinkle.
So ... on this particular Saturday night a stranger entered the pub, espied the piano, and after a couple of jars was moved to express himself in a euphonious fashion. He banged out a couple from Russ Conway's Greatest Hits and was launching into Side Saddle for the third time when a customer pushed to the edge of reason yelled out, "I've got an old cat at 'ome wot plays better'n that !!!!!!!!!!!". The room went quiet, the pianist eyed the interrupter with a level gaze and said, "Go'n fetch it then !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". The room settled into an even quieter hush. Ivar the Interrupter jumped to his feet, called the pianist's bluff and left the pub rapidly.
The customers renewed their conversations, the landlord replaced the pub shotgun, and everyone forgot the entire thing. Suddenly the swing doors swung open - there stood Ivar holding a mangy, white-whiskered tomcat . He strode to the vacated piano stool, placed Felix (for it was he) strategically, opened a sheet of music, placed it on the music stand, and announced that Felix would now play his own composition and would everyone please shut up and listen.
Everyone duly and promptly obliged and the music began ....... the harmonious phrases soared, they captivated the spellbound audience, tears were shed at the beauty of such mellifluousity as was never before heard thereabouts. It had to end and sure enough eventually it did; thunderous rang out and the smug owner stood beside Felix and accepted the plaudits.
The erstwhile Russ Conway tribute act called to his acknowledged victorious adversary, "That's amazing. You should have it orchestrated".
Well, the cat was out of the door so fast .......

Aww - poor Felix

I am very cross that my young daughter just brought home a sofa and two chairs that someone gave her. I've told her not to accept suites from strangers.

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some advice to his granddaughter.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of Gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.
The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

For once Cap'n, that's funneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Did they have crematoriums then